Every once in a while I wake up from the matrix and realize
that the life I am living is stagnant and meaningless,
a holding cell of delusions,
an existence of sleep—eat—wait with some distraction on the side.
This happens about once every two or three days—
my distractions run out or fall through,
I have an argument with a family member,
or I get tired of reading
and my eyes are suddenly opened like an inmate from shallow slumber.
It is days like today, when I wake up fully immersed in the matrix
only to notice a glitch in the system and be cast out
onto the cold black pavement in the smog and rain.
To tell you the truth I feel lost inside the system,
not fully capable of distinguishing between an illusion and reality,
what is worth investment and what isn’t.
Today I sat for hours and watched the rain fall,
last week I lit a candle in the dead of night and watched it burn for hours—
these are as much a good use of time as any other in this sentencing.
Every day like today I am more fully frustrated, disgusted, and dry.
I can’t help but think it is not supposed to be like this.
I’m searching for a way to save the world,
I’m attempting to hear from God,
I’m exercising as much patience as I can and before I know it
I find myself having fallen back asleep for a few hours or days in this illusory world
and being cast back out into renewed conscience.
Scattered around me I find the discarded remains of bitten plastic fruit,
my gums are bloody, and my aching stomach curses my own mind for feeding it crap (this I mean more figuratively than most in ways I ought not say).
This is my colorful circular abyss in which I have no control.
Enter if you please,
though I can tell not whether you be friend or foe,
I encourage you to define your own role,
and I promise you all that I am able,
which is apparently nothing,
in your stay.