High Def. Disillusion

Every once in a while I wake up from the matrix and realize

that the life I am living is stagnant and meaningless,

a holding cell of delusions,

an existence of sleep—eat—wait with some distraction on the side.

This happens about once every two or three days—

my distractions run out or fall through,

I have an argument with a family member,

or I get tired of reading

and my eyes are suddenly opened like an inmate from shallow slumber.

It is days like today, when I wake up fully immersed in the matrix

only to notice a glitch in the system and be cast out

onto the cold black pavement in the smog and rain.

To tell you the truth I feel lost inside the system,

not fully capable of distinguishing between an illusion and reality,

what is worth investment and what isn’t.

Today I sat for hours and watched the rain fall,

last week I lit a candle in the dead of night and watched it burn for hours—

these are as much a good use of time as any other in this sentencing.

Every day like today I am more fully frustrated, disgusted, and dry.

I can’t help but think it is not supposed to be like this.

I’m searching for a way to save the world,

I’m attempting to hear from God,

I’m exercising as much patience as I can and before I know it

I find myself having fallen back asleep for a few hours or days in this illusory world

and being cast back out into renewed conscience.

Scattered around me I find the discarded remains of bitten plastic fruit,

my gums are bloody, and my aching stomach curses my own mind for feeding it crap (this I mean more figuratively than most in ways I ought not say).

This is my colorful circular abyss in which I have no control.

Enter if you please,

though I can tell not whether you be friend or foe,

I encourage you to define your own role,

and I promise you all that I am able,

which is apparently nothing,

in your stay.


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